Last week, my husband Gregory had the privilege of attending a workshop led by Dan Heath; author of “The Power of Moments.” The premise of the talk was to contextualize the idea of the importance of making lasting impressions. There was a question posed as a part of an assignment and it was to be completed with a partner that he didn’t know. They asked, “If you had a crystal ball, what would you want to know about your future?” Though previously unfamiliar with his partner, their answers would be congruent. They both would want to know the fate of their children. In the ensuing conversation, the question of giving our children too much came into play. It is a continuous idea that we often ponder. How much is too much? More importantly, will giving too much cause an adverse affect in their lives?
My children are privileged. They are being raised diligently in a two parent household. They are well traveled, both domestically and abroad with no lack of exposure. They have a life of ease and leisure; never having experienced the anxiety that inherently exists in certain socio economic groups. They are secure in their meals, accommodations and means. Beyond this, they generally receive what they ask for. Whether it is financial support for school fundraisers or tokens of frivolity such as video games and the glossy accoutrements in the form of highly priced gaming PCs. They receive these things under the guise of being earned and deserved. In truth, Joshua and Kingsley are high performers, academically, respectful and all around awesome humans. We, to a certain extent, believe they are deserving of these trappings. We as parents, are also joyful in the idea of being able to give to them with little reservation. But there is a small voice that consistently gives us pause. Are we inadvertently setting them up for failure?
Growing up, I was privileged. Annual two week vacations were the norm, along with attending the best schools and engaging in extracurricular activities to foster my talents. I recognize that I never had to wonder where I’d get a meal or where I would lay my head at night. Yet it was a different degree of comfort. As a child of the 80s, technology hadn’t afforded us the same degree of ease as offered today. Think back to rotary phones. The dialing of each number. The unmistakable sound of the rotary returning to it’s home position. If you misdialed, you had to start the process again. To us it was a minor mishap. I’d imagine it to be a painstaking process to the kids of today. What I realize in the recollection of the rotary phone is the gift of waiting. Being present and accuracy were required in the simple act of making a phone call. My children, in turn, will never know the angst felt in the slip of a finger. The disappointment felt in your dialing efforts being met with a “busy signal.” They have been provided with systems that rid them of dialing at all. Voice commands have replaced a need for accuracy or even memory of telephone numbers.
Think back to encyclopedias. I remember getting a set one year for Christmas and thinking I was on the edge of information by having this in my home. If you weren’t as lucky, they were easy to find. You just needed to physically go to a library to do your research. Researching then consisted of writing things down and maybe photocopies that required a payment per page. Remember the joys of the MICROFICHE MACHINE?!? Think back to the dewey decimal system. The act of finding books took thought and effort; checking out a book an even bigger endeavor. My children, in turn, will no nothing of these processes as information is quite literally at their fingertips. It is instant and widely available, ridding them of any real absorption of evidence. Since toddlers, checking out a book has required little to no human interactions. Once welcomed dialogues with well read librarians have been replaced by self check kiosks and barcode readers; a nod to efficiency and a slight to engagement.
We must have been the last home to get cable or a microwave. Reheating dinners required a well seasoned tin pan, a sprinkle of water, foil, an oven and patience. I can vividly remember times of returning home late from ballet class and falling asleep waiting for my dinner to be reheated. My children have never had to wait longer than a few minutes to eat. They will never know the stomach pangs of waiting, the steam from lifting the foil from the tin pan, or the additional 15-20 minute wait for the now too hot food to cool; saving you from the second degree burns ensured from trying to consume too fast.
The idea of “too much” has been a consistent consideration for us for years. As a result, we’ve always had systems in place to discourage any settling of entitlement. For example, since the kids have had access to electronics, the time allowed on each device has had to be earned. Our “time earnings” have been centered around literacy. When they were younger, two books would equal forty minutes on electronics. As they’ve aged, the books have turned into chapters; the time earned has also increased. They have these earning opportunities twice in a day (during summers). We’ve always encouraged gifting gently used toys and books when receiving new gifts. We recognize the joy that these items have given us during the time we’ve had them. We also recognize the importance of sharing them with others as we make room for the new. We are honest about money, open about what things cost (food, utilities, etc.) and informative on what we can and cannot afford at any given time. We’ve encouraged budgeting and savings when they receive monetary gifts from their ultra generous grandparents. They have been able to give back to their communities through service; an often eyeopening and grounding experience. Whether serving at our local food bank or rehabbing local schools, philanthropy of this kind has provided them an unparalleled perspective on what is required of those whom much is given.
How much is too much? Life has gifted Joshua and Kingsley a hefty lot. Technology has ensured great convenience and we also have made certain of lofty provisions. But at what cost? As in all things, time will tell. In the meantime, however, we are steadfast in the idea of earning what you receive, giving back when you can, and being grateful for all of it. I’m assured there could never be too much of that.
