It was as if an elephant was sitting on my chest. My breathe escaped me. It was nowhere to be found. Air was at once a novelty and not a right. The walls cascaded inward; narrowing with every second that passed. It was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I’d just given birth to the most beautiful baby boy. But it was hardly that. I was suddenly in a vacuum that I couldn’t escape. No sound, no movement, just sheer panic. The days that followed, a blur. The months after, a deeper well of despair. I didn’t know it then, but depression had settle in and taken over.

Last week, publicly the world lost two visionaries to suicide, likely stemming from depression. Publicly there was an immediate outpouring of sadness and support; thousand of well meaning people posting the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’s phone number. There were encouragements to check on the people we deem “strong” as they may be suffering too. But the troubling reality is that suicide as a result of depression happens privately at an alarming rate. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention reports that there are approximately 123 suicides per day and 44,965 per year. On the days that Kate and Anthony said goodbye, up to 122 more souls departed us as well. While their names may have never appeared in lights, their contributions to society not celebrated, they remain someone’s mother, father, child or loved one.

Depression would visit me again over time. In 2010, I got branded with an official diagnosis of “clinical depression.” My type, Major Depression, is what most people think of when they contemplate on the illness. Symptoms may include

• Feelings of sadness or emptiness

• Loss of interest in previously enjoyed activities

• Weight and appetite changes

• Sleep Problems

• Feelings of being either slowed down or excessively agitated

• Tiredness and lack of energy

• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt

• Problems with concentration and making decisions

• Thoughts of death or suicide

There is also the Depressive Phase of Bipolar Disorder. People with Bipolar Disorder go between the depressive phase and periods of elevated moods called “mania.” During the depressive state, they have symptoms that mimic those of Major Depression.

I can describe it as a tidal wave. I was washed with unexplained sadness, worry, sleeplessness and a host of other symptoms. Yet no one noticed. I carried on, going about the day lightly as I carried the weight on my shoulders. I smiled through conversations with friends fighting back tears. Yet no one noticed. I could be in a room full of souls and feel completely alone. At it’s depths, I liken my depression to being stuck in a well with muddy walls. For me, there was a clear way out, but the rain would keep pouring as I’d claw my way to the top. Thankfully, I was graced with the wherewithal and means to seek help.

Many suffering are without that grace. I cannot say that I was always fully aware of my quiet desperation. By the time I realized I’d fallen, I’d be within the grips of it. And with a great support system of friends and family, I still believe that often times help could come too late for some. As with the health of our bodies, we should make the health of our mental state a priority. We should stay vigilant of ourselves and one another. Knowing my own struggles, I make it a point to give my fellow man time. When coming in contact with another soul, I am present and looking for the spark behind their gaze. You never know what an offered smile and/or listening ear will catch and can save.

I’d like to encourage us all to stand with and for one another. If this message is touching you personally, I’d like to encourage you to seek help. There is no shame in an attempt to be well. While I have never had thoughts of harming myself, I don’t know where or when another depressive episode will appear. I can say emphatically, there is never a point where all hope is lost. Never make permanent decisions over temporary troubles. Please, reach out for help. I promise you it is never more than a phone call away.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1.800.273.8255